Don't even think about it!
A few weeks ago, I was standing (yes, standing!) at the stove, stirring the dinner, my senses revelling in the steamy, spicy fragrances of a favourite curry dish - a moment to savour; exhilaration and joy; an example of finding small pleasures in every day. These moments make life worth living.
Enveloped in this blissful epicurean experience, I took a moment to celebrate the sudden realisation that I was actually standing to cook dinner, not sitting (or worse, being unable to cook at all due to disabling fatigue). My mind wandered back to the activities of recent weeks and reflected on how well I had been.
It had been a busy time, as raising a family of three children always is. My days had been filled with taxi-runs, trips to the city for appointments, therapy sessions, after-school activities, gardening, home administration and maintenance (catching up on years' worth of neglect due to severe illness) and shopping for items that have been longed for (like clothing) but without time or energy previously to go out and get.
Not only that, I somehow managed to have some energy left over to take in some Fringe* performances! Wow! That hospital treatment last year has done wonders. Compared to where I have been on my illness journey, it seemed incredible. I wish I could describe the improvement as miraculous but there were enough reminders about the underlying medical condition to stop me from becoming totally carried away with euphoria about my new abilities.
Yes. The medical condition. Oops - conditions (plural): mixed connective tissue disease, lupus, sjögren's syndrome, raynaud's phenomenon, addison's disease / hypoadrenalism, adenomyosis, endometriosis, asthma, etc. the list of diagnoses kept growing ... (and I refuse to capitalise any of their names as a sign of disdain.)
I remembered that most of these conditions are relapsing and remitting by nature and allowed myself to yearn: aah...Remission! I wonder how that is defined in my case; what does it look like? Could this sudden burst of almost-normality be the beginning of an extended Remission? "After all," I reasoned, "I lived a very amazing, active life for plenty of years at a time in my younger days. Maybe, since it's theorised that I had been born with this broken immune system, those good times were periods of Remission?"
Remission. Oops! Don't even say that tantalising R-word ... I dared to think it.
Oh no! STOP IT!
"Haven't you learned not to go there, Jodie? It always ends up in tears!"
Well, that did it! I knew it was too good to be true. Within a week it all came crashing down and I found myself bedridden for 8 days. I couldn't even sit up in bed. Any vertical postures had me reeling. I couldn't read, crochet or think straight or do anything but remain horizontal in my bed. What a frustrating waste of time!
Is this my punishment for wanting to get a slice of my old life back? Was I too hopeful?
Thank goodness, I am recovering slowly (and carefully) now but the lingering fatigue and weight loss have swung my pendulum of thought the other way and I lament whether I've 'done my dash' with the recent energy boost. Do I succumb to the limitations of chronic illness again (as if there is a choice)?
It would be easy to follow that line of thought but I strengthen my resolve with the hope that if I had experienced a significant improvement once, perhaps it can happen again.
... and curse the R-word.
(Don't even think about it. It's dangerous.)
*The Adelaide Fringe Festival
Related Posts & Pages on Lupey Loops
"A Secret Crochet Confession", 18 February 2016: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/2016/02/a-secret-crochet-confession.html
"A Quick WIP Round", 22 October 2015: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/a-quick-wip-round.html
"Lost Without Lists", 2 September 2015: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/lost-without-lists.html
"Hooks, Needles and Nurses", 23 July 2015: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/2015/07/hooks-needles-nurses.html
Lupus (SLE) Resources page: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/p/lupus-information-resources.html
MCTD Resources page: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/p/blog-page.html
Scleroderma Resources page: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/p/blog-page_6.html
Sjögren's Syndrome Resources page: http://lupeyloops.blogspot.com.au/p/sj.html